If you know me well, there are a few things that you know to be true. I am wildly passionate, I feel all the feelings very strongly, all the time. I am ridiculously nosey and I have a big mouth–two things that I’m working hard on reigning in. I love potatoes above all other forms of food.
And, I can be really, really awkward.
Like, awkward isn’t even the word for it, y’all. For example, I refuse to look like a tourist anywhere I go. I often start walking in a direction only to realize I’m going the wrong way but then refuse to just turn around because I might look like I’m confused, so I walk an extra block in order to look like I know what I’m doing. I’ll spend an hour in a store looking for something to avoid having to ask a sales clerk for help. I’ll realize I’ve been charged incorrectly for something at a store but I don’t want to inconvenience or embarrass anyone so I just take the hit. I don’t really see it as a huge problem, I mean, I live a great, productive life. It just sometimes takes me longer to do things and I very often turn red and sweaty when I’m put in awkward or uncomfortable situations.
Because of this, I’m really bad at two things. One, flirting with or really interacting with even a remotely attractive man. Two, learning my way around new places. And don’t worry, I have stories to prove both of these things to you.
This was a long introduction so I’m going to share one story today and we will save the other for Monday.
First, the flirting.
Last weekend, after a crazy travel day, I realized I needed to make a poster for my final grad school course of the semester. And it was due the next morning. Going to Target seemed like way too much work so instead, I walked to the CVS near my house. I’m in the CVS, carrying a really heavy grocery bag, so I already look silly as I’m basically limping around with milk, orange juice, and 10 apples slung over my shoulder. I get in line, manage not to wallop anyone in the head with the foam board, and then realize that I cut in front of the gentleman waiting ahead of me.
Another thing most people know about me is that I pride myself on my good manners, so I turned to apologize and ask if he was waiting first. This was where it all went downhill because at this point I realized the guy I cut in front of was really quite attractive. So I immediately began sweating, duh. Which I’m sure made me really attractive.
He very nicely insisted that I go first, thank you kind sir. And then, he started small talk. I’m terrible at small talk. I come off as rude and uncaring and just awful. I almost always leave these situations feeling way too much remorse for how I behaved. So, since I’m conscious of this issue and I’m trying to work on it, I did a really good job engaging in the conversation! We chatted briefly about how he was going to work and I was going to work on this project that I had no ideas for.
Then it was my turn in line and I went to the check out pretty proud of myself for having conducted myself like a normal person. After I was done checking out I decided to just top it all off with a Have a nice evening at work! to really prove to myself how great I was doing.
I turned to say goodbye and have a nice night, he smiled, and I turned to leave………..
………….and ran directly into a metal pole. Face first. Holding a foam board that caused me to bounce backwards.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is why I’ve been single for almost three years.