Guess what?! In the almost year that I abandoned the blog I have been on a total of……….zero dates. Literally, zero. So, the Single Girl Chronicles is alive and well and I’ve got some good stories brewing, despite my lack of a love life.
See, this past year was insane. I was finishing graduate school, student teaching, working as a teacher’s assistant, getting paid almost nothing so shuffling around with different part-time jobs, and just generally so stressed my brain almost exploded. There was no time for even hanging out with friends regularly, let alone dating.
But! It wasn’t that I didn’t want to at all. So occasionally I would download Bumble onto my phone.
Wait, does everyone know what Bumble is? I feel like the majority of my audience here consists of either my married friends or my older family members (shout out Grandma, Terri, Mom, and Dad!) thus, I’ll explain.
Bumble is a dating app, similar to Tinder. You download it on your phone, fill out a profile with pictures and facts about yourself, and set the age and distance you’d prefer for your matches. Then you see a guy’s profile and if you like him, you swipe right. If you don’t, you swipe left. If he also swipes right on your profile then you’re a match! The catch with Bumble is that the girls are only allowed to message the guys first and they only have 24 hours in which to do so. This is mostly to prevent creepers from sending disgusting messages.
This system is my worst nightmare. I’m not clever or funny in an opening message. I prefer to just say “Hey! How’re you?” And literally NO ONE will answer you if you open with that. NO ONE.
So, one day my brother was over at my apartment and decided to take matters into his own hands. You should all know that Alex has dreams of being my “wing man” when he’s (finally) 21 (only one more year!) and is constantly telling me that if I just give him control he could find me a boyfriend.
Yeah, okay, dude.
I passed my phone to him and he got to swiping. Some people say I’m a little picky so I wouldn’t say I agreed with each of his picks, but he had pretty decent taste. After a night of swiping I had 15 matches. Now, for the messaging.
Instead of the casual greeting we decided to go as over the top as possible–cheesy pickup lines. So, we got to googling. We came across the usual sleaze ball options but my favorite one?!
“Were your parents bakers? Because they sure made a cutie pie!”
Hilarious, flirty, obviously a joke. Sold!!
Of the fifteen guys we sent the pick-up line to, I think seven of them answered? Not too shabby! Probably three of them were guys I was interested in.
How many dates did I go on you ask? Oh, that would be zero. Because I’m awkward and prefer sitting on my couch and ended up just stopping messaging them.
But! Lesson learned. Alex was right and being funny and charming works. And the more guys I message the more likely I am to find one I’d actual like to hang out with.
Next edition of Single Girl Chronicles? The one about the dead deer.
Yeah, it’s a good one.